Happy Monday Friends!
If you’ve been following me for a while then you know my site has changed a lot since I started blogging in 2014. From the physical appearance of it to the actual content, it has grown a lot with me.
Back when I was a recent college grad, interning and trying to make a name for myself in the fashion industry, I used to focus on just posting outfits and then write a small blurb about my outfit and maybe talk about my day. I wanted my content to be light hearted and stress free because in reality adjusting to life as an intern/entry level employee was hard. I kind of outgrew that and felt like there was no purpose to my posts and I wasn’t really connecting with anyone like I wanted to.
Then my career life and personal life changed so much and I also learned so much along the way. I learned things that I wish I had known before and things I wish someone had told me so I was better prepared for certain scenarios. And so my content changed, especially this year. My posts are more structured, they have more purpose and I try to offer advice and inspiration and share things I’ve learned.
But lately, I haven’t really felt like myself.
If you were to ask me right now “What’s wrong?” I couldn’t answer that because I don’t know. I just haven’t felt like myself. I’ve felt down and unmotivated and sad. I find myself getting ready for the day, going outside, slapping a smile on my face and inside feeling sad and anxious. Every small things sets me off and makes me feel frustrated. I’ve felt like I could blow at any minute and make some big rash decision that I could get regret later.
So when I thought about what I wanted to post today, I drew a blank. At first I thought, well I could just not post, it’s what I’ve been doing lately, just running away. But, recently just doing anything for my site and putting my energy towards it has felt like an escape. Like I said, my content lately has been focused on providing advice & inspiration and I’m in no position at the moment to offer any because I feel like I’m searching for guidance myself. So that’s why today I kind of just wanted to share how I’ve been feeling. Right now I feel like there’s no purpose to this post and I feel like I’m rambling, but I just want to write and talk it out.
The reality is, being an adult is hard. I don’t care who tells you otherwise or who tells you it’s so amazing and blah blah blah. I’m not saying it’s not great, I just want to acknowledge that it’s hard and we’re all walking around faking it until we make it and hiding our struggles. But, every now and then you need to just take a break and admit it’s hard. Sometimes I feel great and I feel like I have my life together and that there is so much to be grateful for. But, sometimes I feel like the weight of the world is on my shoulders. I feel like I have so many responsibilities and people relying on me and that any minute I could let them down. I feel like a fraud and that someone is going to see that I’m not who I say I am or I’m not cut out to do my job. And I feel like I’m the only one feeling like this and I’m the only one failing at life and being an adult because no one else talks about this.
I’ve mentioned before on my blog that it’s so easy for me to go into this dark head space. It’s so easy for me to let it consume me and to slip back into that depressive state. Everyday I have to fight it off and what helps is focusing on the good things in my life.
Last week, I left work feeling so frustrated and angry. I met up with my mom after work and was just ranting and screaming and complaining about everything and anything. At one point she looked at me and said “I know it gets hard at times and you feel stressed, but just think about Puerto Rico. Think about working hard so that we can go back.”
It’s funny because ever since my vacation, I have been thinking about Puerto Rico. But I’ve been thinking about how much I miss the island, how much I miss being on vacation with that carefree, happy attitude, how much I miss prepping for vacation and having something to look forward to and how I wish I could be back and go back and it’s honestly made me so sad.
But, listening to my mom made me realize, instead of using my vacation that has passed as a source of something that makes me sad, I should be using it as a source of motivation. Rather than being said that my vacation is over, I should be working hard to be able to take a vacation again. So I wanted to share some sources of motivation for me. Things that help me talk myself off a ledge and I would love to hear what motivates you.
What holds you together when you feel like you could combust at any moment?
What Motivates You: My Four Main Sources of Motivation
My Family – Those Who Rely On Me
Honestly, nothing brings me greater joy than being able to help with bills or to pay for groceries. My mom used to do everything by herself. I have no idea how she did it and honestly she’s the strongest person I know because if I had the responsibilities she did/does, I don’t think I could have handled it. But, to be able to help now and provide for her makes me so happy.
Also, my mom & aunts send money back to our family in Vietnam every month. I feel like it’s so normal amongst immigrant families and so being the daughter of an immigrant, when I started making my own money, I started contributing to sending money back home as well. As much as I love my family in Vietnam, I used to feel a bit frustrated because a lot of people I knew weren’t first generation so they didn’t have families in different countries and didn’t have to send money back and so they could buy this and that and do this and that while I had certain financial responsibilities so I couldn’t. But, as I’ve gotten older, I realized there are more important things in life. It makes me happier to send money back home to my family to provide for them than to buy a new sweater that would just sit in my drawer.
I’ve never had more of a desire to travel than I do now. It’s funny because I am terrified of flying, but I just love everything that traveling does for you. It truly cleanses the mind and refreshes you. My goal for next year is to visit Puerto Rico again, visit Disney World and if time allows, I would love to see my family in Vietnam. I’ve also never been out west to California so I would love to visit. Traveling is expensive. I don’t care how many posts or videos or tips on “how to travel on a budget” there are, it still costs money. So I’m trying to work hard to have the means to travel and explore.
When I left Cosmo and was unemployed for three months, I felt so stuck. I had all this free time, but couldn’t necessarily go out because it cost money and I wasn’t having any income flowing in. Any time I feel frustrated and just feel like giving up on everything, I remember what it was like to struggle. Like, really struggle, where I was either making $10 an hour for 40 hours a week but actually working 50+ hours with no overtime to having no income. So I’m grateful now to be comfortable and for my independence. Something as simple as being able to treat myself to lunch or buying a new outfit and not worrying about breaking the bank makes me so happy. I never really had that independence before so I really love that.
Everything I Do Have To Be Grateful For
Every time I travel to Vietnam, it puts things into perspective for me. First world problems, champagne problems, whatever you want to call them are a very real thing. In Vietnam, I’ve seen people be happy just by receiving toothpaste and a new toothbrush. At times I can find myself being melodramatic and stressing over every little thing there is. I really have to force myself every now and then to take a step back and think about everything I have to be grateful for. I have a job, I have a roof over my head, I have food on the table, I have my health and I have people in my life who care for me.
It’s probably going to sound cheesy, but I came across this Facebook video from a Taylor Swift concert the other day and not only did I save it, but I re-watch it when I need a little inspiration and it makes me cry every single time. In the video, she says that people can be mean, but nothing is meaner than the voice in your head telling you all these things that you are not, like you are not cool enough, pretty enough, skinny enough, successful enough. She then goes on to say that you are not damaged goods because you have made mistakes and just because you aren’t where you want to be right now, doesn’t mean you aren’t going anywhere. And taking a step back and putting those things into perspective has really helped me. It’s not easy to just flip a switch and say oh well look at everything I have to be grateful for, I’m not going to be upset. But, I have been making more of an effort to focus on every little thing that I do have to be grateful for to help me take what I am upset about and put it into perspective.
What Motivates You Outfit Details
As an only child and introvert, I’m lonely 99.9% of the time so I’ve always treated my blog as a diary of some sorts. Anytime I write a post, I write as if I’m talking to a best friend, I treat it as if I’m giving advice to a girlfriend because that’s what this is to me. My blog is my way of connecting with you as readers and for someone who is awkward and lonely like myself, this site has given me an opportunity to connect with different people. So thank you for letting me rant and ramble and open up today. Thank you for bearing with me while I tried to make sense of my feelings. I’m not sure if this post even makes sense, but here we are.
I hope to be back to business as usual on Wednesday and have a regular post up.
But, if you are open to sharing, I would love to know what motivates you. When I was younger, I used to just want to make lots of money. When people wold say, money doesn’t buy happiness, I would roll my eyes and laugh. As I’m older, the most important thing to me isn’t being a millionaire, but it’s just being happy and having my family around. So I would love to know what are you main sources of motivation.